Rules for My Kitchen.

Don't get too excited - I will not be disclosing any secrets. Actually, I don't have any cooking secrets. (Sad!) But I'm happy to share with you some rules for my kitchen that you may want to incorporate into your rulebook.

1. Go gas or go home. Electric coils are the devil. Flat surface stoves look nice, but it is hella hard to control the heat on any cooktop that isn't gas. FIGHT ME.

2. Even if you're not starting out as a new cook, the first thing you should do is learn (or re-learn) how to cut an onion. Growing up, I just cut onions the way my mother did. But in 2009, I dated a guy who loved YouTube and would consult YouTube for e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. It was ridiculous. But when I heard there was a way to cut an onion like a chef, I took a page from his book and ran over to YouTube. It was a life changer. Here's a quick lesson, although a video may be easier: Your onion will have a knot on one end -- and only on one end. You want to keep that knot because it'll keep the onion together later. Cut off the Hershey's kiss tip on the opposite end/side of the knot. You'll then turn the onion onto that cut-off end -- which now allows you to keep the onion stable and flat. Next, you'll cut the onion in half through the knot, so that each side has half a knot and will sit flat. (Note: when cutting vegetables, it's a good "best practice" to make your first cut in a way that lets your vegetable sit flat for subsequent cuts. Stability is important when using sharp instruments.) You're going to cut only one half at a time, and you're going to make a series of cuts going three different directions. (Think about that for a second.) I have tried swapping out which of the first two cuts goes first, and it's my personal opinion that my method works better. My BFF in Portland, however, cuts hers the other way around. She's wrong but that's okay - and I hope she reads this so we can argue about it some more. Also note - you cannot vary the last cut. It will always be last. Okay! Now. Back to the onion that should be sitting flat on your cutting board, and not standing up. You're going to make several parallel cuts into the onion (from right to left) with the tip of your knife pointing at the knot. STOP. Do not cut all the way to the knot. Remember how I said you'll need the knot to keep the onion together? Now is the time. Actually, you'll want that knot all the way to the very end in order to keep everything together. Next step: turn your knife so that it is parallel (flat side) to the cutting board. Make several parallel cuts into the onion (from top to bottom) with the blade of your knife cutting towards the knot. AGAIN, do not cut all the way through to the knot. And now onto the last step! For this final movement, you are going to cut the onion perpendicular (right angles/intersecting) to your original cut so that the blade (not the tip this time!) faces the knot. Start at the edge opposite the knot and work your way closer to the knot. And voila! You have yourself a chef-cut onion.

3. A little more on knives! When shopping for knives, you absolutely MUST go into a store to see how they feel in your hand. Otherwise you may end up with a nice looking set that fits poorly in your hand. Knife slippage is a worst case scenario. Or something like that. When transitioning from a standard set of knives to a set a nice ones, BE CAREFUL and cut slowly. Otherwise, you will lose a lot of fingernails. And this means that your vegan dish is no longer vegan, sorry. #losiento

4. Any time you have something on the stove, do not walk away from it. Yes, I understand that beans cook forever and rice needs to rest -- and that's how those things do what they do -- but for the most part, if your stove is on and there's something cooking do not abandon your station. You never know when shit will go awry.

5. Speaking of things that cook forever, don't be afraid to use a kitchen timer. Your phone also has a timer (probably), so use that. Yes, many foods will tell you when they're ready. But if you're juggling many items, use a timer or at least keep a clock nearby. My first world rant here? When my oven is on, I can only see the temperature and not the time. And when my hood is on, I can only see the level of suction it's running on and not the time. So when I've got everything going at once, I curse a lot because I can't see the time. (Happens always. You would think I'd learn. Nope!)

6. If you're afraid of germs, good luck. But stick to the basics: wash your hands OFTEN and not only before you start cooking. If you use a cutting board to cut any kind of uncooked meat, ditch it in the sink when you're done (or at least get it out of your way) so you don't accidentally re-use it on something that won't be cooked. Do not wear rings - you will wash your hands 1,000 times and it'll just be easier if you start off without them. It's up to you if you want to wear a watch or bracelet. Seems like a nuisance, though. Oh, and if you're cutting garlic be sure to get one of those stainless steel soap bars. (It's not actually soap.) It won't *completely* eliminate the garlic stink from your hands but it goes a loooong way. Highly recommend.

7. And speaking of garlic! Garlic is your friend. Always add more.

8. Learn how to flip tortillas like a real Mexican. Yes, my mother would make them from scratch (I hate the word - don't know why) on a comal. But for reheating them, those suckers go straight on the flame. In order to flip them, you have to channel your cat-like reflexes to get in there, pinch an edge, and flip it as quickly as possible without getting licked by the flame. It's second nature to me, and I like mine a little on the burny side. But it's easy to do. I taught a Caucasian friend to do this, too, in fact. I haven't checked in on her in awhile, so I don't know if she has fully graduated to the full-on Mexican way of things. But she started off with an oven mitt and tongs. Last I heard, she ditched the tongs and was still using oven mitts. Whatever works for you! This direct-flame method is fine for all types of tortillas and roti. Hell, I even reheat my naan this way, too!

9. Experiment. Yes, yes, I believe in following recipes and always try to make the same recipe twice: once, the way it's written, and again, the way I think it should be (in order to suit my tastes). Going back to experimentation -- my brother is really good at this. He is the king of Throwing Shit in a Pan and It Turns Out Delicious. I try to channel my energy when I open my pantry in search of something to eat. The best trick I learned from him -- particularly with leftover Thai food -- is that you can often rejuvenate a meal with a scrambled egg. Or over easy, as applicable. You'll know the difference.

10. My go-to website is allrecipes.com - if you're a Pinterest person, you're dead to me. If you want recipe ideas, go to a recipe website. Duh. The readers' comments are equally invaluable as they are maddening. Go take a gander and you'll see what I mean. But it's a great website for ideas, and a good rule for cooking is to compare various recipes (for the same dish, I mean). The minor variations may inspire you or quell your concerns about a particular ingredient. Ya never know. 

11. Spices are important. If you're just starting out, I recommend a starter kit of garlic powder (not garlic salt!), onion powder, cumin, chili powder, oregano, crushed red pepper, and salt & pepper. You can get more flavors out of the various foods you make, so don't worry if this list seems short to you. If you're going to get into Indian cooking, you will need a lot more stuff. Take your time; that shit gets expensive (but start with garam masala). If you need just a little bit of one thing or another, head to the bulk section of your grocery store. If there's no store near you with a good bulk section, you have my condolences.

12. And speaking of Indian food! I believe there are two basic things that make such a huge difference in Indian dishes. First - America's favorite: butter. Don't throw things at me, but I do not love butter. But I understand it. And when making a curried rice, I start off with butter *and* olive oil. I think the butter gives it a deeper, nuttier flavor that really enhances the dish. And number two: cumin seeds. If your recipe calls for cumin seeds, go out and get them. Starting off your dish with sauteed cumin seeds makes a huge difference - again, to create a deeper flavor. Not all dishes will call for cumin seeds, but if it does, don't skip this step. And if it doesn't, consider doing it instead of sticking with the powder alone. As I mentioned earlier, always compare recipes. Simple does not always mean better. Shortcuts sometimes suck.

13. Trust your nose. This is the most valuable tool in your kitchen. You can smell when foods turn, burn, ripen, and near their stage of completion. Here's another tip specific to raw chicken: if you're not quite sure if your chicken has turned or is ready to turn, you'll know it when you cook it (assuming you've gone ahead with it). I read somewhere once that the enzymes/proteins or whatever it is that makes chicken smell delicious when it cooks begins to break down when the chicken starts to go bad. So if you make your chicken and don't get the typical yummy sensation in your nose? Throw it out. I'm sorry you went through that trouble. Another thing about expiration dates on packages: the contents inside of the package haven't seen the date, so don't automatically assume that you have to pitch everything as soon as that date hits. Again, trust your nose. And when in doubt, throw that shit out!

14. Vegetables. Cauliflower, brussel sprouts, and greens will stink up your fridge if you neglect them too long. Get to cookin! Tomatoes should never be refrigerated. To extend the life of red bell peppers, keep them in a plastic bag in the fridge. Don't refrigerate potatoes. Buy your avocados where poor people shop. Bigger fruit is not better fruit. The smaller oranges are better tasting than the giant, easy-to-peel ones about 99.99999999% of the time. You can rejuvenate celery with water! Carrots last forever. Eggplant is the devil. Butternut squash, although a pain in the ass to cut, is better whole. I've been lazy before and purchased the pre-cut version from the store and it just. didn't. have. something. It's always a good idea to keep emergency limes around.

15. Some foods need to rest, including spicy food (the heat will grow) and guacamole (the flavors will mingle). Don't give me that "but I love tableside guacamole at the restaurant" bullshit! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Losers.

That's it for now! Happy eating! And cooking. (I don't bake.)